Oh, The Humanity!

                                                         by Mike Retzlaff

Humankind has triumphed over a plethora of hindrances, obstacles, and adversities during the many millennia which we, as a species, have existed.  However, our reign over the Earth may be coming to an end.

Y2K didn’t do us in nor did the Mayan “End of Days” scenario.  The Hopi Prophecy declares that “Kachina will remove his mask during a dance in the plaza before the uninitiated children” which somehow will trigger a global armed conflict and destroy us all.  I believe this is all nonsense and that our downfall will be at our own hands.

The first real indicator of our decline was white bread.  It is still with us but people are starting to wake up and opt for nutritious foodstuffs that don’t simply serve as an edible napkin.

Another major hiccup in our development was light beer.  If it were only a passing fad, there would be little cause for alarm, but its production and sales continue to grow.  It is distressing to note that Miller Lite has now been produced for more than 40 years.  I’ve tried this “beer” and in it can find no redeeming value.  Its continued existence and popularity is a mystery which haunts me.  

I believe that our societal death knell has come in the form of “beverages” such as Bud Light Lime-A-Rita, Michelob Ultra-Light Lime Cactus, and Bacardi Silver Pomegranate Mojito.  Obviously, the dreaded Zombie Apocalypse will be a direct result of the continued over-consumption of these types of “beverages.”  Mankind is not fragile but cannot withstand such a vile onslaught forever.

As the future unfolds, the human race may consist as pockets of survivors sustained by kegs and bottles of home-brew.  The surviving members of society will have done their part by stocking up on these necessary and life enhancing provisions. 

Neil Barnett, that great Statesman of Libation, is waiting to sign you up for the next Brew Off.  In addition to your loved ones, the other nine people involved in each Brew Off are depending on you too!  Don’t shirk your responsibility to family and society; contact Neil right away and tell him “Sign me up; I want to do my part!” 

%d bloggers like this: