God, help us! You know who has gotten some more of that strange infection in his latest brew. It had predictable results. And so, under great pain (some of which is attributable to flatulence) we reluctantly present . . .
SON OF UP YOUR BBQ !!
By Larry Bristol (groan) of The Foam Rangers Homebrew Club in Houston
* BBQ – Beer Brewing Quotient
- The principle difference between home brew and imported beer is:
a) Price
b) Quality
c) Availability
d) What do you mean – Canadian imports or European imports?
e) Flatulence
Ans._ - The principle difference between home brew and domestic beer is:
a) Price
b) Quality
c) Availability
d) What do you mean – Bud or Miller Lite?
e) I don’t know, I’ve never been drunk enough to actually try a domestic beer.
Ans._ - You walk into a neighborhood bar and order a swallow of Samuel Smith’s Old Brewery Pale Ale. Which of the following best describes the conversation which ensues?
a) BT (bar tender): “What’s that?”
You: “An English Beer.”
BT: “We don’t serve none of that sissy foreign stuff.”
b) BT: “Sorry, I just served my very last one to that truck driver at the end of the bar.”
c) BT: “Where do you get that?”
You: “I find it in a lot of places.”
BT: “Isn’t that a foreign beer?”
You: “Yes, it’s British.”
BT: “Why would you think we would have it here?”
You: “Why not?”
BT: “This is America!”
You: “Yes, but do not the Canadian goose and the swallow fly south for the winter, and
yet these are not strangers to our land?”
BT: “Are you suggesting that beer migrates?”
You: “Not at all, but it could be carried.”
BT: “What? By a swallow? That’s impossible!”
You: “For heaven’s sake . . . it could grab it by the cap!”
BT: “It’s not a question of how it grasps it, it is a question of aerodynamics. An 8 ounce
bird cannot carry a 2 pound bottle of beer!”
You: “Yes . . . “
BT: “Look, a swallow has to beat its wings 42 times a second in order to maintain air speed velocity, right?”
You: “I really don’t . . . ”
BT: “AM I RIGHT?”
You: “Yes, yes, I see.”
BT: “So you see, it’s aerodynamically impossible!”
Cowboy at pin ball machine: “Perhaps two swallows could carry it together.”
BT: “Are you kidding? How could they tie themselves together?”
Trucker at end of bar: “It could be carried by an African Swallow.”
BT: “Oh, sure, but African Swallows are non-migratory.”
Trucker: “Oh, sure, but it could do it. That’s my point.”
BT: “Oh, yes, I agree with that.”
d) BT: “An African or European Swallow?”
e) BT: “Bottled or draught?”
Ans._ - The best example of “moxie” is:
a) To walk into a truck stop bar and order a Guinness at room temperature
b) To travel to London (at your own expense) so that you can order an imported American
beer.
c) To soak the labels off bottles of Samuel Smith’s Old Brewery Pale Ale, enter them in a
home brew competition, and swear that you made it by following the directions on a can of EDME malt extract.
d) What do you mean – Oriental moxie or South Pacific moxie?
e) To soak the labels off bottles of Miller High Life, enter then in a home brew competition, and swear that you made it by following the directions on a can of Ajax.
Ans._
- When you see a picture of a majestic moose, it immediately makes you think about:
a) Taking a vacation in Sweden this year.
b) A hoppy Canadian export lager.
c) The time a moose bit your sister.
d) What do you mean – a Canadian moose or a European moose?
e) Boris and Natasha.
Ans._ - Rene Descartes:
a) Was a real pissant.
b) Is famous now for the quote: “I drink, therefore, I am.”
c) Was the second President of the Republic of Mexico.
d) What do you mean – The politician or the philosopher?
e) Was a drunken fart.
Ans._ - Home Brewers make:
a) A mess in the kitchen.
b) $246.75 an hour.
c) Better lovers.
d) What do you mean – American or European home brewers?
e) All of the above.
Ans._ - The official beer of the 1984 Olympics:
a) Is bleeding Watney’s Red Barrel.
b) Is Olympia.
c) Now costs $1 more per bottle than last year.
d) What do you mean – The Los Angeles or Yugoslavian Olympics?
e) Tastes as good as Budweiser, but at a better price.
Ans._ - The best use for “light” beer is:
a) To lower unemployment by giving former athletes lucrative commercial contracts.
b) To prevent unemployment increases by keeping aluminum can companies solvent..
c) To lower unemployment by hiring thousands of former steel workers, airplane pilots, and computer experts to pick up empty cans along the side of the road.
d) What do you mean – American light or European light?
e) Flatulence.
Ans._ - When you’ve had too much home brew, and you take that long painful walk to the little house (which sits off away from the big house) to make room for more home brew, does your (hmm . . .) “organ” burn?
a) I don’t know, I leave the organ in the big house.
b) We don’t have an organ so we just throw a quilt over the piano.
c) Only if I’ve had too much “Stingo” to go along with the home brew.
d) What do you mean – my chord organ or my pipe organ?
e) I don’t know. I’ve never been so drunk on home brew that I’ve actually tried to light it!
Ans._
If you failed miserably the original BBQ test (as practically everyone did), you now have a chance to redeem yourself! Think about your answers carefully; the correct answers along with a scoring guide can be found below.
ANSWERS
- The principle difference between home brew and imported beer is:
a) Price Sounds good but refer to question 7.
b) Quality Also sounds good; everyone knows home brew is vastly superior to imports.
c) Availability Have you checked your local package store lately? They are likely to have a better stock than you do!
d) What do you mean – Canadian imports or European imports? Of course!
e) Flatulence Sounds (and smells) terrible.
The right answer which scores 1 point is (d), of course. - The principle difference between home brew and domestic beer is:
a) Price Still sounds good but, refer to question 7.
b) Quality Still sounds good, but then, who cares?
c) Availability Who cares?
d) What do you mean – Bud or Miller Lite? Read the question! It specifically asks aboutdomestic BEER. Neither of them actually fit into that category.
e) I don’t know, I’ve never been drunk enough to actually try a domestic beer. A man (or
woman) after my own heart! The right answer which scores 1 point is (e), of course. - You walk into a neighborhood bar and order a swallow of Samuel Smith’s Old Brewery Pale Ale. Which of the following best describes the conversation which ensues?
a) BT (bar tender): “What’s that?”
You: “An English Beer.”
BT: “We don’t serve none of that sissy foreign stuff.” Too true to be funny, so this, of course, is not the right answer!
b) BT: “Sorry, I just served my very last one to that truck driver at the end of the bar.”
The one driving the Coors truck parked outside?
c) BT: “Where do you get that?”
You: “I find it in a lot of places.”
BT: “Isn’t that a foreign beer?”
You: “Yes, it’s British.”
BT: “Why would you think we would have it here?”
You: “Why not?”
BT: “This is America!”
You: “Yes, but do not the Canadian goose and the swallow fly south for the winter, and
yet these are not strangers to our land?”
BT: “Are you suggesting that beer migrates?”
You: “Not at all, but it could be carried.”
BT: “What? By a swallow? That’s impossible!”
You: “For heaven’s sake . . . it could grab it by the cap!”
BT: “It’s not a question of how it grasps it, it is a question of aerodynamics. An 8 ounce bird cannot carry a 2 pound bottle of beer!”
You: “Yes . . . “
BT: “Look, a swallow has to beat its wings 42 times a second in order to maintain air speed velocity, right?”
You: “I really don’t . . . ”
BT: “AM I RIGHT?”
You: “Yes, yes, I see.”
BT: “So you see, it’s aerodynamically impossible!”
Cowboy at pin ball machine: “Perhaps two swallows could carry it together.”
BT: “Are you kidding? How could they tie themselves together?”
Trucker at end of bar: “It could be carried by an African Swallow.”
BT: “Oh, sure, but African Swallows are non-migratory.”
Trucker: “Oh, sure, but it could do it. That’s my point.”
BT: “Oh, yes, I agree with that.” This happens to me all the time.
d) BT: “An African or European Swallow?” Great answer, wrong question.
e) BT: “Bottled or draught?” Can I have the name of your neighborhood?!!!!
The right answer is, of course (e) which scores 1 point. Score minus 1 point for answer (d) since you are obviously trying to score an unfair advantage. - The best example of “moxie” is:
a) To walk into a truck stop bar and order a Guinness at room temperature. No but this is a great example of stupidity.
b) To travel to London (at your own expense) so that you can order an imported American
beer. Another example of stupidity. At least this one is not likely to get you killed!
c) To soak the labels off bottles of Samuel Smith’s Old Brewery Pale Ale, enter them in a
home brew competition, and swear that you made it by following the directions on a can of EDME malt extract. Do you really think we are that stupid? Now we are getting somewhere, however, as this at least is an example of moxie.
d) What do you mean – Oriental moxie or South Pacific moxie? Keep trying; answer (d) is
bound to be right sooner or later!
e) To soak the labels off bottles of Miller High Life, enter then in a home brew competition, and swear that you made it by following the directions on a can of Ajax. Entering Miller High Life into a home brewing competition under any circumstances is a fine example of moxie.
Score 1 point for answer (e), honorable mention for (c); that and 50 cents will get you a cup of coffee anywhere. - When you see a picture of a majestic moose, it immediately makes you think about:
a) Taking a vacation in Sweden this year. Wasn’t that a fantastic movie?
b) A hoppy Canadian export lager. You are definitely trying too hard!
c) The time a moose bit your sister. A moose once bit my sister. No, really, she was carving her initials on it with a laser toothbrush she had gotten from Svenge, the director of several documentaries, when . . . (I’m sorry)
d) What do you mean – a Canadian moose or a European moose? Eventually answer (d)
should be correct.
e) Boris and Natasha. Simon and Garfunkel would have been a slightly better answer but
more obvious. Don’t you think?
Score 1 point for (e), minus 1 point for (b); answers (a) and (c) are my personal favorites, but what do I know? - Rene Descartes:
a) Was a real pissant. Close but no cigar. Emmanual Kantt was the pissant.
b) Is famous now for the quote: “I drink, therefore, I am.” He did say this, of course, but is almost always misquoted.
c) Was the second President of the Republic of Mexico. Are you serious?
d) What do you mean – The politician or the philosopher? Not yet!
e) Was a drunken fart. So obvious; everybody got it right, I bet.
Score 1 point, of course for (e) and minus 1 point for (d). You will eventually quit
trying this ridiculous answer. - Home Brewers make:
a) A mess in the kitchen.
b) $246.75 an hour.
c) Better lovers.
d) What do you mean – American or European home brewers?
e) All of the above.
How would anyone miss this? Score 1 point for (e), and minus 1 point for anything
else. At least answer (d) was finally correct. - The official beer of the 1984 Olympics:
a) Is bleeding Watney’s Red Barrel. Not a chance. Everything “red” is boycotting. (You
might ask how I knew this two months ago when these questions were devised!)
b) Is Olympia. Tastes as good as “LA”; but at a better price.
c) Now costs $1 more per bottle than last year. Obviously.
d) What do you mean – The Los Angeles or Yugoslavian Olympics? Are you convinced to
quit trying (d)?
e) Tastes as good as Budweiser, but at a better price. Who cares?
You should have kept trying answer (d) which finally scores 1 point. - The best use for “light” beer is:
a) To lower unemployment by giving former athletes lucrative commercial contracts.
b) To prevent unemployment increases by keeping aluminum can companies solvent.
c) To lower unemployment by firing thousands of former steel workers, airplane pilots, and computer experts to pick up empty cans along the side of the road.
d) What do you mean – American light or European light?
e) Flatulence.
How many times must I tell you? This is no good use for light beer! Minus 10 points if you answered this question at all. - When you’ve had too much home brew, and you take that long painful walk to the little house (which sits off away from the big house) to make room for more home brew, does your “organ” burn?
a) I don’t know, I leave the organ in the big house. An interesting idea . . .
b) We don’t have an organ so we just throw a quilt over the piano. Fascinating answer, but this is the punch line for a different joke.
c) Only if I’ve had too much “Stingo” to go along with the home brew. Stingo only burns
going down.
d) What do you mean – my chord organ or my pipe organ? Are you stuck on answer (d)
again?
e) I don’t know. I’ve never been so drunk on home brew that I’ve actually tried to light it!
What more can be said? Score 1 point for answer (a) because (a) has not been used before. For those of you who complain that answer (e) is correct, score minus 1 point; I know several people who have tried this, I myself, have singed the varnish on a grand piano.
What does it all mean? If you scored between 1 and 10 points, you are obviously a good home brewer. Anything less and you have this problem concerning light beer that has to be resolved; anything more than 10 shows that you need a refresher course in arithmetic.
Crescent City Brew Talk 