(June 1987) By Larry Bristol of the Houston Foam Rangers Homebrew Club
The following is a test to up your BBQ (Beer Brewing Quotient). If you really get confused, the answers are provided at the end of the test . . . but no looking until you complete all of your answers! However, check all your answers – you wouldn’t want to be the only one who doesn’t know these interesting and useful facts. Up your BBQ!
- The best beer in the world is made
a) At my house
b) At your house
c) In St. Louis
d) Without preservatives
e) To be served at 35 – 40o F
Ans. - Hops are called “hops” because
a) That is their name.
b) The first successful cultivation was done by a one-legged man.
c) Of the peculiar effect they have on heavy beer drinkers.
d) They look like rabbit food.
e) Of the famous whiskey made from them.
Ans. - Barley is
a) The first name of Mayberry’s deputy.
b) A famous circus promoter.
c) An adverb meaning “not quite”.
d) Essential to the human diet
e) As barley does.
Ans. - The best thing to have with beer is
a) Mexican food
b) A buxom young lassie.
c) Two buxom young lassies.
d) A buxom young laddie.
e) A beer chaser.
Ans. - The worst thing to have with a beer is
a) A banana split.
b) A hangover
c) Two weeks of work due at 9:00 am tomorrow.
d) Cream de menthe.
e) The lack of a bottle opener.
Ans. - The cleanest organism know to man is
a) Mary Tyler Moore.
b) Boring.
c) The cockroach.
d) A fish.
e) Lager yeast.
Ans. - The best use for “Lite” beer is
a) To wash your hair.
b) To wash your cat.
c) To wash your toilet.
d) To lower the specific gravity of distilled water.
e) To prevent aluminum cans from crushing under their own weight.
Ans. - Mr. T is best known for
a) Being the world’s largest homebrewer.
b) Being ET’s father.
c) Authoring the famous bartending guide.
d) His guest appearance on Sesame Street.
e) His contribution to the PGA.
Ans. - The recipe for a “Depth Charge” is
a) Equal parts of gasoline and alcohol.
b) Required training for all submariners.
c) Enough to make a beer lover cry.
d) Written on the Dead Sea Scrolls.
e) Syzygy.
Ans. - The only way to kill a beer infection is
a) A Mafia hitman.
b) A silver bullet.
c) A wooden stake through the heart.
d) Phasers and proton torpedoes.
e) Serutan.
Ans. - A serious discussion of the techniques of beer making invariably leads
a) To a demonstration of the techniques of serious beer drinking.
b) To a free-style dirty joke contest.
c) Innocent souls into paths of darkness.
d) To plans for a subsequent serious discussion of the techniques of beer making.
e) All of the above.
Ans. - After tasting your homebrew, a friend comments “This is almost as good as Michelob!” Your reaction is to:
a) Buy him a bottle of Michelob.
b) Break a bottle of Michelob over his head.
c) Stab him with a broken Michelob bottle.
d) Throw him into a vat at the Michelob brewery.
e) Do all of the above.
Ans.
ANSWERS
- The best beer in the world is made
a) At my house
This is correct. Actually it depends upon whether you are thinking in the first person (meaning your house), or in the third person.
b) At your house
If you mean this to be MY house then you are, of course, correct.
c) In St. Louis
No beer has ever been brewed in St. Louis.
d) Without preservatives
Only Miller is made this way. Hops were originally added to beer because of their preserving power. Who says that preservatives are all bad?
e) To be served at 35 – 40o F
At this temperature, the best and worst beers in the world are practically indistinguishable.
Score 1 point for answer a) or maybe answer b) - Hops are called “hops” because
a) That is their name.
You have a logical mind and are a lot of fun at parties.
b) The first successful cultivation was done by a one-legged man.
That was Oscar Beerlinski, right?
c) Of the peculiar effect they have on heavy beer drinkers.
This is sort of a trick answer. Experts agree however, that the moves made by beer drinkers toward the little house which sits away from the big house more closely resembles a run than a hop.
d) They look like rabbit food.
They also look like rabbit droppings. This term, however, has already been used for marijuana.
e) Of the famous whiskey made from them.
You have, of course, heard of “hopscotch”?
Score 1 point for answer a) - Barley is
a) The first name of Mayberry’s deputy.
Good ol’ Barley Fife
b) A famous circus promoter.
The Ringling Bros. & Barley and Bailey Circus
c) An adverb meaning “not quite”.
This barley makes any sense.
d) Essential to the human diet.
Right on!
e) As barley does.
Barley is only skin deep. Barley is in the eyes of the beholder.
Score 1 point for answer b) and love the circus. - The best thing to have with beer is
a) Mexican food
There is nothing in this world quite like Jalapeno peppers and an Irish Stout!
b) A buxom young lassie.
Why would anyone want to drink beer with a Collie?
c) Two buxom young lassies.
I don’t think that you have Collies in mind now do you? Unfortunately, anyone who wants two hasn’t learned to appreciate one yet.
d) A buxom young laddie.
Equal time. Lad is, of course, another dog.
e) A beer chaser.
A true beer drinker.
Score 1 point for answer a) - The worst thing to have with a beer is
a) A banana split.
Actually, this is not bad at all. Try it sometime, especially after a chocolate pizza with anchovies.
b) A hangover.
While this is the worst thing to have from your beer, a nice Porter at 8 am will cure most hangovers.
c) Two weeks of work due at 9:00 am tomorrow.
Who cares? Relax – have a homebrew.
d) Cream de menthe.
Another trick answer. This depends on what beer you are drinking. This is the only way to drink Bud!
e) The lack of a bottle opener.
Sadist!
Score 1 point for answer a) - The cleanest organism know to man is
a) Mary Tyler Moore.
Good guess, but there is some question as to the true relationship between MTM and Ted Baxter.
b) Boring.
It has already been established that Mary Tyler Moore is not the answer.
c) The cockroach.
Excellent thinking! You must know that the cockroach is 97% pure protein. Unfortunately, the remaining 3% is pure ———.
d) A fish.
Don’t you know what fish do in that water? Yet they eat it, drink in it, and live in it. YECH!
e) Lager yeast.
Think about this! When these little buggers “break wind”, don’t you love to stick your nose in it? Don’t you love it when they urinate in the brew? Don’t you eat the “stuff” on the bottom of the bottle and tell everyone “it’s healthy – full of vitamins!” Can you name any other organism that you’ll do all these things?
Score 1 point for answer c) It shows imagination. - The best use for “Lite” beer is
a) To wash your hair.
b) To wash your cat.
c) To wash your toilet.
d) To lower the specific gravity of distilled water.
e) To prevent aluminum cans from crushing under their own weight.
There is no good use for “Lite” beer. Subtract 5 points if you answered this question at all. - Mr. T is best known for
a) Being the world’s largest homebrewer.
I pity the fool who picked this answer.
b) Being ET’s father.
There is irrefutable evidence that ET was illegitimate.
c) Authoring the famous bartending guide.
Mr. T did not actually write the book although he did contribute many recipes.
d) His guest appearance on Sesame Street.
Unfortunately, he was upstaged by Mr. P and Mr. N.
e) His contribution to the PGA.
Why do you think they call these “tees”? I know, some jerk who answered question #2 is saying “Because that is their name!”
Score 1 point for answer e) - The recipe for a “Depth Charge” is
a) Equal parts of gasoline and alcohol.
Gasoline and alcohol don’t mix! Gasoline straight is not bad however
b) Required training for all submariners.
This is sick and I apologize.
c) Enough to make a beer lover cry.
This is generally true but some have stronger constitutions than others.
d) Written on the Dead Sea Scrolls.
Obviously, that is why they are called the Dead Sea Scrolls (and not because that is their name!)
e) Syzygy.
Only if you believe in the Jupiter effect. Self-explanitory.
Score 1 point for answer d). Extra credit (3 points) if you can define syzygy without looking in the dictionary. - The only way to kill a beer infection is
a) A Mafia hitman.
This requires the proper connections.
b) A silver bullet.
The Lone Ranger has no idea of how to kill an infection. For that matter, neither does Lon Chaney.
c) A wooden stake through the heart.
This method works but is impractical. It is nearly impossible to set your hands on 20 billion itty-bitty wooden stakes, to say nothing of driving them through the infection’s hearts. (They will resist, you know!)
d) Phasers and proton torpedoes.
Another trick answer! Phasers, of course, do an excellent job but beer infections are practically immune to proton torpedoes.
e) Serutan.
This stuff will knock the crap out of Superman!
Score 1 point for answer e). - A serious discussion of the techniques of beer making invariably leads
a) To a demonstration of the techniques of serious beer drinking.
b) To a free-style dirty joke contest.
c) Innocent souls into paths of darkness.
d) To plans for a subsequent serious discussion of the techniques of beer making.
e) All of the above.
Score 1 point for any answer. All of the answers are correct. - After tasting your homebrew, a friend comments “This is almost as good as Michelob!” Your reaction is to
a) Buy him a bottle of Michelob.
b) Break a bottle of Michelob over his head.
c) Stab him with a broken Michelob bottle.
d) Throw him into a vat at the Michelob brewery.
e) Do all of the above.
After the previous questions, you probably think all of these answers are correct. You are right! Score 1 point for answer e). Incidentally, they should be done in the order specified.
ANALYSIS
How did you do? Compare your score to the following chart.
Score Meaning
15+ Better bone up on your arithmetic. The maximum score is 14
12 – 14 Where did you learn about syzygy?
7 – 11 A good place to buy your pretzels to go with your beer.
1 – 6 Average
-5 to -1 It’s time you learned there is no good use for “Lite Beer”.
Crescent City Brew Talk 