You Know You’re a Homebrewer If . . .

You know you’re a homebrewer if…

• you visit old monasteries while on vacation in Europe and badger the tour guides with questions about yeast strains and the exact temperature of the cellar.
• you go appliance shopping and take carboys along for sizing.
• “coming out of the closet” means that the next batch is getting bottled.
• you incorporate a 3 tier system into the design of your new deck.
• you can’t make tea without thinking about sparging grain.
• you find hop leaves in your dryer lint.
• you never let your freezer freeze.
• you have 3 new coolers in the brewery, but 1 crappy old one for picnics.
• you have more types of beer glasses than you have plates and bowls.
• you perform a ‘mash-out’ in the shower to halt enzyme action.
• all your tupperware smells like grains and hops.
• people ask if what is in your glass is beer or wine.
• you watch your primary fermenter with the same intensity that a cat watches an aquarium.
• the only time you clean your kitchen is just before brewing a new batch.
• your bridal registry is at a home brew supply store.
• you’ve ever taken your dog to the vet to treat a burnt tongue because she lapped up a boil over.
• it started out as a hobby then ended up as a habit.
• Tastybrew.com has a short cut on your desktop.
• you’ve ever made your own beer.
• you’ve ever packed empty beer bottles home from camping.
• you know the cheapest place in town to refill propane and CO₂ tanks.
• you are producing beer faster than you can drink it.
• you hear the song “Monster Mash” and think it is about a beer made for Halloween.
• you can tell if a bottle on the side of the highway is recappable at 65 MPH and turn around to get it.
• you are happier watching your air lock than TV.
• you’re a guy and you go to the bar to meet guys to talk homebrew with.
• your tankless water heater has two settings: mash and sparge.
• you have had a serious conversation about whether or not bottles will explode at altitude.
• when someone asks who your favorite author is, you say “Papazian”.
• you rush to your closet if you hear the sound of glass breaking.
• you’re completely unaware that there’s a Michael Jackson other than the beer writer.
• you have returned beer to the grocery store because it was a bad batch.
• you have plans to turn a large portion of your basement into a refrigerator for long term lagering.
• you have all the local homebrew stores on speed dial.
• you are the designated driver because you prefer not to drink mass produced beer.
• you’ve added iodine to a sample of your morning oatmeal to test for adequate starch conversion.
• you have ever found yourself rinsing out empty beer bottles at someone else’s party.
• you’ve installed a quick disconnect on your sink so you can hook up your wort chiller more easily.
• you correct the tour guide on brewery tours.
• you buy beer according to ease of label removal or the type of bottle it comes in.
• you wonder about the absorption rate of your breakfast cereal while you pour the milk
• you have a picture of a carboy on your desk instead of your family.
• when you ask for a sample at the local brewery, you mean yeast slurry, not beer.
• you know 6 different ways to start a siphon.
• you’ve ever had a party where more beer was brewed than was consumed.
• you’ve planned the landscaping at your new house around the location of your Cascade Hop trellis!
• the workers at the hardware store ask how the latest homebrew is coming along.
• your 4 year old asks Santa for a refractometer for you.
• you find that the “Homebrew” budget is larger than your “Grocery” budget in Quicken.
• you do a protein rest when cooking spaghetti.
• the local brew supply store knows who you are by voice alone.
• the majority of your shirts are brewing or beer related.
• you’ve ever taken a final gravity reading of a commercial beer.
• you have ever stared glare-eyed in the bulk spice section of the grocery store dreaming of Belgian beers with Orange peel and coriander or spiced Christmas ales.
• you have ever hugged your primary fermenter.
• you spend more time thinking about beer than drinking beer.
• you have ever had an intense argument about corn.
• you sparge your tea bags with 170 degree water to prevent astringency.
• you wish you could buy your significant other a perfume with a malty aroma and hints of toffee underneath a nice bouquet of citrus and pine fragrances.
• a slinky reminds you of a wort chiller.
• you actually look for cruddy sediment in the bottom of a beer, before you buy it.
• you’ve ever received a shipping quote from a malt distributor.
• every time you are in the grocery store you look at the beer selection even though you have 10 gallons of beer ready to drink at home.
• you take a personal day off from work to brew on a Wednesday to have an adequate yeast starter for the 1.100 Specific Gravity Belgian being brewed on Saturday.
• you refuse to pay $8.00 for a beer in a restaurant because you can make 5 gallons for that much.
• you scan the Belgian Ales at checkout yourself so the clerk won’t disturb the yeast sediment.
• you live in a small one bedroom apartment, and you have two refrigerators.
• you wonder what everything would taste like if mashed, boiled and fermented.
• your computer passwords are all related to beer.
• your house doesn’t have air conditioning, but your beer room does.
• your pet rabbit will only eat crushed German pilsner malt.
• “pick up CO₂” is on your shopping list.
• you see the acronym R.D.W.H.A.H.B. and know what it means.
• you get all your exercise from moving carboys.
• you take your wife out to garage sales in hopes of finding brew gear.
• you hate to wash the dishes, but think nothing about standing over a sink for hours cleaning empty bottles.
• you have used a bottle opener on a twist-off cap.
• your wife buys two of every kitchen utensil so she doesn’t have to search the brewery when it’s time to cook.
• you ask the guy at the hardware store if something is “food grade”.
• you’ve ever spent hours in a hardware store staring in to space, trying to improve your wort chiller/fluid transfer.
• you pre-heat your thermos cup to have a thermal mass of zero.
• a “beer run” is now classified as a 3 hour escapade at the local homebrew shop.
• you have ever parked your car in the rain to keep your beer out of it.
• you have never taken a microbiology course but know all about Saccharomyces cerevisiae and S. carlsbergensis.
• you measure purchases with how many batches of homebrew you could have brewed.
• your children believe that Santa Claus would rather have a glass of homebrew than milk.
• you worry about channeling when you “sparge” your coffee.
• your asked your phone company if they have a phone number ending in 1056.
• you can estimate hair color in degrees Lovibond.
• you have a separate email folder for homebrew.
• you can name at least 10 different varieties of hops, but can’t name 10 congressmen.
• you understand how water chemistry and pH affect the mash, but barely passed high school chemistry.
• your wife left you for someone who doesn’t brew.
• you have your local homebrew supply shop on speed-dial right above 911.
• you own a stock-pot big enough to bathe in.
• you have more varieties of beer on tap than your local bar does.
• a smelly, moldy, disgusting college-dorm fridge is a gift from the gods.
• you tackle your wife in the kitchen before she sneezes.
• you have moved clothes out of your closet to make room for more fermenters.
• your child’s science project is on fermentation.
• you’ve ever got up to check an airlock in the middle of the night.
• you have more refrigerators for beer than you do for food.
• going to a brewfest is part of your honeymoon.
• you plan your family vacations by which breweries you can visit.
• you and the local bottle-grannies have come to an accord over collection zoning.
• you have more airlocks than the international space station.
• you’ve tasted the finest commercial beer and said, “I can do better.”
• you have more kegs than your average fraternity.
• staring at a bubbling airlock is more exciting than the superbowl.
• you pour your coffee carefully to avoid hot side aeration.
• you bring a 3-gallon corny to a cook-out with its own neoprene jacket.
• you’ve kept a log of the temperature in your basement for the past 5 years.
• the presence of a basement was a major factor in the selection of your new home.
• you have room in your fridge for 7 different types of beer, 6 packages of hops, 4 vials of yeast, and two cans of rice syrup, but no room for milk for the kids.
• you schedule your lunch break around trips to the homebrew store.
• you start asking questions about other people’s worts.
• your 5 acre yard is completely mulched with spent grains.
• you have multiple propane tanks but only use charcoal grills.
• you own more stainless steel than your local hospital.
• you get up in the middle of the night to dry hop.
• you plan your days off around when the homebrew supply store is open.
• you have 45 gallons of bottled beer in the basement and wonder if you should double the batch you are brewing on Saturday.
• your basement looks like the set of a 1930’s horror movie.
• your 5 gallon propane bottle has never been connected to a barbecue.
• you don’t brew much until your wife leaves town for the weekend, then you brew 30 gallons.
• you have more than two refrigerators.
• you have bottles of bleach and no white clothes.
• you hear someone say “sock hop” and you think they’re dyslexic.
• your neighbors think you started a bottle recycling center.
• you use old, leftover hops as potpourri.
• you’ve got more cooking utensils and gadgets than your spouse does.
• you return from New Year’s Eve parties with a trunk full of empty champagne bottles.
• you always make sure to take the truck, rather than the car, to the brew supply store.
• you name your new puppy “Fuggles” or “Growler”.
• you send a holiday card to the owner of your brew supply store.
• you buy more pantyhose than your wife (…for hops!)
• you kidnap the family thermometer to test the temperature of the wort.
• you hear the term ‘malted milk’ you think they are talking about a stout.
• you’ve ever bought a case of beer saying, “I paid for the bottles, the beer comes with them for free.”
• you’ve ever had 6 or more cases of EMPTY beer bottles in your house before you had a party, not after.
• you’ve raided the Boy Scout bottle collection/recycling for old bottles.
• you’ve ever left your local soda bottling company with your trunk and back seat full of 5 gallon Cornelius kegs.
• you give clothes to Goodwill just to get more room in your closet for beer and equipment.
• someone says they’ve had a yeast infection and you ask what they were brewing at the time.
• you get crown seals and hop bags for Christmas presents.
• you’ve ever bought returnable beer bottles with no intention of EVER returning them.
• you cancel a date because your wort hasn’t reached pitching temperature yet.
• you can’t remember that last time you popped open a flip-top beer can.
• you think the term pitch has nothing to do with baseball.
• your cupboards have more brewing items and bottles than they do food and plates.
• you don’t think that 10 gallons of beer is a lot.
• you’ve ever cut a hole in a refrigerator.
• walking across the kitchen floor sounds like velcro.
• you’ve ever asked the question, “by weight or volume?”
• you’ve ever used a mop on a ceiling.
• you own a sterile trash can.
• you’ve ever tried to improve a Budweiser by stirring in a hop pellet.